On Not Becoming An "Amy"...

When I was a little girl I had a friend (I'll call her "Amy.") whose parents were exceedingly strict. Amy's parents had so many rules and regulations, each one of which Amy (who was a people pleaser) sought wholeheartedly to obey. I remember inviting Amy to go on outings with my family. Amy would get a shocked look on her face and say, "Oh no! We don't DO such and such in our family!" or "My mom and dad always say that.....etc." She would then continue on to repeat a line by line account of exactly why the heathen behavior was unacceptable to her and was expressly forbidden in her family.

I liked Amy and enjoyed hanging out with her, but often felt judged and stressed out whenever she was around. I always feared that I was going to say or do the wrong thing or suggest one of the activities that she deemed unacceptable. I remember inviting her over to spend the night once. I pulled out some Amy Grant music and started to play it, thinking that this would certainly be on the "acceptable" list. To my dismay, my music choice was not satisfactory. Amy pointed out that "We don't listen to that type of music in my family."

Clearly confused, I stared at her blankly. She offered me a rehearsed explanation of her parents' theory of how rock music caused your heart to beat irregularly and how listening to it ultimately could lead to some sort of horrible behavior in people. I was saddened to hear this new rule from the house of Amy and quickly turned the music off and hurried to find an alternate activity.

I invited Amy over several more times, but found, that no matter what I did, it seemed as though I would never be able to follow all of the rules they had at Amy's house. Moreover, I always felt judged when I was around her. I stopped wanting to invite her over. I was always her friend, but at a distance. I just couldn't relate to her strange ideas and ways and felt like such a terrible person whenever Amy (and her rules) came around. It became a bit of a joke in our house. Whenever the opportunity arose, perhaps when something was a little questionable, family members would make their voice take on a snooty air and say, "OH no! We simply DON'T do that in our family! That is simply UNACCEPTABLE behavior!"

Amy and I still keep in touch. She is a precious godly person. I care about her very much. Her parents were also very sweet people. They were only trying to do what they thought was best for her by giving her all of those rules to follow. I really respect their efforts to teach their daughter in the ways of God. BUT... I learned something from all of this. I learned that I don't ever want my children to be perceived as an "Amy".

Josh and I want to have guidelines for our kids, but not burden them with the huge baggage of unnecessary rules. We don't want them to have an "Amy" mentality, behaving like an automaton, or worse, possessing a judgemental spirit towards others. We also want to be able to ease up on these rules (on which movies they are allowed to watch, for example) as our children grow older. I would like our kids to slowly transition into making these rules for themselves, just because they want to obey God, not because of what "my mom and dad say..."

This is no easy task, to try to have our children be in the world and not of the world, to strike that balance of training them to run from evil things and yet to embrace people who have different beliefs from our own. I haven't quite found the perfect balance, though I've been searching.

All this to say, Mary Alice is heading to a sleepover soon. I trust the host of this party fully. As soon as I heard the word sleepover though, the thought entered my mind. Uh-oh... MOVIES... :( Josh and I both watched some totally inappropriate movies during our childhood (all while at friends' houses) and totally regret those moments. We have a few family guidelines about the movies that our kids are allowed to watch. I don't feel that our rules are over the top, but, then again, who really does feel that way about their own rules? :)

Not wanting Mary Alice to be an "Amy", I decided to e-mail the hostess of the sleepover beforehand, giving her a heads up about what kind of movies that our kids are allowed to watch. The host responded with grace and kindness saying that she "totally understood" our rules and thanked me for letting her know.

This morning, I spent some time discussing the "Amy" story with Mary Alice, explaining how there was a right and a wrong way to go about declining things with which you don't agree. We practiced being an "Amy" vs. being polite. We discussed how some things aren't necessarily wrong, but just our family rules. We talked about how it is important not to chant our family's mantras around other people's families, as it can make people feel badly and is really, none of our business what they are/aren't allowed to do. We talked about how she should try very hard to be respectful and kind. We went over several scenarios of this and also how it is okay to retreat off to another room to read a book if she isn't comfortable with a movie that is being played, but how she should try to participate pleasantly in any other activities unless she had a moral objection. :)

The last thing that I learned from "Amy", which was reinforced by a phone conversation with my mother, was that there are times to bend rules a little bit to avoid humiliating your child or causing them to become bitter. What I didn't tell you about Amy was that the teenage years of Amy and her siblings was full of turmoil. Several of the Amy's siblings rebelled against the super strict ways of their parents, some of them never to return. I believe there is such a thing as having too many rules or enforcing them too harshly. The too many rules thing is something that is difficult for me because I have perfectly good explanations for each of the reasons that I would prefer my children not do certain things or see certain things. Can you see a bit of a control freak tendency here?

So...If our family rules are not really rules at all, but merely preferences, if they are not matters of right and wrong, we've decided to let it slide a little bit, to avoid embarrassing our children unnecessarily. Sigh...

This parenting stuff sure is hard sometimes! Obviously, there is no guarantee that our children are going to grow up to love God with all of their hearts or that they are not going to spin off in rebellion. So we continue to pray... It is good to know that God is in control of it all. He will give us all the wisdom and grace we need to do our best to raise these precious little arrows He's entrusted to us.