Peace

I don't know exactly what or how to write today, just that I need to write something. I guess I'll start with this.... I found out a few days ago that I am pregnant with our fifth child. FIFTH??? You may be thinking, "Fifth?? Who are these other mysterious children that she never blogs about??" Those extra two children are ones that, for reasons only known by God, are ones that we've never gotten the chance to meet. I have had two miscarriages in the last year and a half. Both of these children had a heartbeat, fingers and toes, eyelids, arms and legs. This child that I am carrying is only a few weeks old, which to some, may seem to not be a child at all. To those of us who believe that life begins in the womb, however, this baby has a soul and a future with days that are numbered by God.

Before I went through the heartache of two miscarriages, I would have NEVER dared to share with close friends and family, much less then entire webworld, that I was carrying a baby this early in the game, but now, I have a different mindset. I feel like it would be better to ask for prayers now and have people praying about it, than to be praying alone with my family. After all, if I really believe in the power of prayer, why would I not want as many people praying for us as possible?? Also, in the event of another miscarriage, I want people to know that there is a reason for my altered mood or not being myself, not just that I am emotionally unstable or psycho.

All of this to say, it is definitely going to be a hard couple of weeks/months for our family, whether or not this baby remains healthy. I'm trying not to get too attached to the idea of having another child. I am just trying to protect myself emotionally. I don't want to worry, and am doing my best not to think about it, but am constantly plagued by what ifs and fear of the unknown. And, of course, I really really want this baby!! I think Satan wants me to be consumed with this pregnancy. I know that he will use whatever he can to make me take my eyes off of what is truly important. I will not let him win!!! He wants me to be worried and to stop trusting in God's care and perfect timing. He wants me to be angry and confused. He wants me to complain and to not be thankful in all circumstances. He wants me to question God and His love for me. He wants me to not persevere under trials, but to crumble under their weight. He knows that one of my greatest desires has always been to have a large family, and of my tendency to want to control everything, and just how much not being able to realize my dreams will affect me. The good news is that GOD knows all of those things too, but GOD also loves me, wants what is best for me, and is has a plan for my future. His plan is better than my plan, even though I may not always understand it. His ways are not my ways. Thankfully!!!

I would ask that you pray for peace and contentment for me. I have been so blessed by my wonderful husband and two beautiful and healthy children. I know that ultimately, God is working everything out for my good. I don't understand it, and I may never understand it here on earth, but I have to believe it, and keep on trusting Him. I am going to borrow my friend Tamra's verse, which is the verse that immediately came to mind during this pregnancy. You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3