My First 23 Children

Dillon, Antonio, Lesley, Ebonisha, Allie, Hunter....

These are some of the names of the students who were in my second grade class. Last night, I laid awake in my bed, thinking about these little children (really not so little anymore), wondering where they are and what they are doing. It has been nearly five years since I was teaching elementary school in Mesquite, but I still think about these kids quite regularly.

That year was a whirlwind year for Josh and me. We graduated from ACU and moved to Garland, where I was blessed to get my first real job, teaching second grade at a local elementary school. That year was such a challenge for me, in many ways. I started the year out with a surge of excitement and anticipation about what I could do for the kids. My time spent student teaching in Abilene had shown me the jacked-upness of the public school system, so I immediately felt like I was going against the flow, instead of with it. (That is kindof my personality anyway, so it can't entirely be blamed on the school system.)

I entered the school thinking that I was going to have first graders and be team teaching with Beverly Ross, I woman whom I admire greatly and another fun woman that I felt had the same teaching goals I did. The week before school, however, I was told that I would actually be teaching with a different set of teachers on the second grade team. I was bitterly disappointed, and as I visited with the team I would be working with, I felt extremely unhappy. I just knew that God had wanted me to be with this first grade team. Now what was I going to do working with these other teachers with which I felt I had nothing in common? Looking back, though, I can see God's hand in this decision in many ways. God used that year, my first and only year of teaching, to change me, challenge me, and show me things about myself and maybe even to influence those kids.

I entered the year with prayer, asking God, "Why did you put me here? How am I going to function with this group of people that don't think like I do?" I come from a school of thought that is very relaxed in some ways, but very overdemanding in other ways. For example, when it comes to teaching, I value creativity and individuality more than papers with "the right answers" (although those are important too). On the other hand, I expected good behavior and respect from my students, and may have been slightly overbearing at times, in an attempt to get my kids to rise to the occasion. I don't take kindly to bossy britches, undisciplined kids who get their way by working the system. This is why I believe the public school system to be in such a sad state. There is no real discipline, but lots of emphasis on "self-esteem" and "helping them feel successful". But, that is really another story....

Anyway- I just felt like I was going against the flow, both with the school system and with the team teachers I was supposed to be working with. I threw myself into my classroom of little kids. That is really why I had this job anyway, wasn't it? On the first day of school, I happily admired my little classroom. I tried hard to follow the rule that every new teacher has heard about (not smiling until Christmas). I think I even scared some of the other teachers with my stoic face as my class marched past in the hallways. I really did love the kids in my class and tried so hard to show them that I loved them and was there for them (all without smiling, of course). Oh yes, and one other thing I did... I began to pray for each and every one of the kids in my classroom. I prayed for their specific needs, their sad and broken homes, their futures that seemed bleak, their futures that seemed bright, the lives that I wanted to see them lead, that they would somehow, some way, see Jesus in me, and that I would see them again in Heaven. I prayed that I would find a way to get along with the teachers I was supposed to be working with.

The year went by very quickly. (It didn't always seem quick or even happy while it was going on, but now seems like such a dream.) There were several sad cases in my classroom. There were people who were hopelessly behind on the first day of school (with really no hope of ever catching up). But even sadder was the vision of how I felt that some of these little ones' lives would turn out, if no one intervened. The lack of innocence that I saw in these young children at such an early age was what first convinced Josh and I to pursue home education for Mary Alice,at least during her very early formative years. I'm not saying that choice is for everyone, just that we were convicted that there was no way we could put our precious gift from God into that arena when we saw what would be her peer group. There was one mom who stated (in front of her child) "Yeah, if I had known how much trouble he'd be, I never would've had him!" Then there were two other parents whose children had serious unmet needs that could've easily been met, but they refused to help their kids. I also need to say that there were some wonderful parents, who loved their children and made the year so much easier for me. I don't know if I ever impacted these kids in a real way, but pray that God used me or will use someone else to bring their little souls to Him.

I had the blessing of keeping four of my students the next year (when Mary Alice was a baby) after school in my home. I feel a special attachment to two of those students, two sisters, who are now in the 7th and 8th grades. I still pray for these girls sometimes and wonder how they are doing. Anyway- it is the thought of these students, whom I love and care for just as much as the last day of school, that kept my thoughts racing last night.

Sometimes I am afraid that my whole life is going by and I am failing miserably at what I am supposed to be doing, teaching others about Jesus. Following Bev Ross's example, I did state to my whole class that I was a Christian. (That is a really scary thing to tell a bunch of kids if you really think about it. I know that there were lots of things that I did or said that year that didn't reflect Christ!) I didn't allow God's name to be taken in vain. I did bring up an occasional Biblical concept and even, if asked, shared my views on certain things, even pointing to the Bible's truths (gasp!) as a basis for my beliefs. I have no idea if any of that made one iota of difference to these kids, but hope that God used me in some little way for His glory.

Jeffery, Brandon, Katie, Charnae, Tevyn..... I love you all and hope to see you in Heaven some day!